Warning: Corn Holder has Sharp Edges

What's a corn holder you ask?
It is a very dangerous weapon primarily used for holding corn or self-mutilation.

Tonight, I had my friend Maggie over for dinner. First, we spent twenty minutes trying to get the grill to work and praying to the grill gods that we would not singe our eyebrows. We gave up on grilling our brats. Note to self - must buy new grill before grill out party planned for Friday.

We made salad and corn on the cob without incident while we discussed international law. Discussion basically entailed repeating the mantra: International law is easy. I know international law. Self-affirmation works. The eating commenced and the fun began.

This is a corn holder.

While attempting to eat my undercooked corn on the cob (I was too impatient to let it cook the whole time), something crazy happened. Yep, you guessed. I stabbed myself in the face with that sucker. Corn holders should come with a warning label; they are quite dangerous.

To stop the (very little amount of) blood coming from the two new holes in my face, I had to pull the old toilet paper trick that so many men have used throughout time. Maggie could not keep herself from laughing at me [not that I blame her...this was ridiculous].
Also, I'm not sure why I look like a crazy person in this picture...

Corn holders have undergone a lot of innovation since the 1920s.  This device looks more complicated, but perhaps safer considering my circumstances.  There are some crazy corn holder patents out there.  There are also some very expensive corn holders out there; maybe these come with a safety guarantee. I might upgrade to these corn holders because they are too hilarious or these corn holders because they look safer than the ones I own. Whatever happens, I will not be investing in these corn holders or these corn holders.  Though the unicorn corn holders are fun (and witty), I do not need anything more dangerous than the standard corn holder in my life.  How's that for glorious nonsense?